Then…later…now Part 4

So we pick up from Part 3 where I had just moved into the D.V. Shelter in the Naknek/King Salmon area.  After some minor set backs I had gotten our belongings and 4 wheeler to the shelter.

So there we were, I had called friends and family to tell them what was going on.  Finally I was coming out of isolation and while still ashamed of what was happening I knew that I needed my friends and family.  Everyone was astonished when I told them what was going on and where we were.   But at the same time everyone was overwhelming supportive.

At the Shelter in the Naknek/King Salmon Area

The advocate helped me get my own cell phone, post office box, and apply for various forms of help including housing assistance.  She checked in on us frequently, took us to run errands and was there to just talk when I needed it.

I was mad and I was hurt.  I remember the first night at the shelter I sent him an email (sigh this was probably what opened the door to him continuing his attempts at keeping us together):

Good Morning XXX,
Wow the world didn’t end!  I stayed up late, didn’t worry that the house wasn’t perfect.  Curled up in bed with Glenna.  Slept until nearly 8:30 a.m.  Cecelia climbed into bed with me and Glenna and snuggled for 1/2 an hour, without fear of being pushed out of the bed or spanked for wanting to snuggle.  I am not walking on egg shells trying to not upset you or trying to keep the girls quiet and well behaved all the time so you don’t retaliate against them.
Why couldn’t it be like that with you?  Why do you try to control everything and everyone?  I’d like to say that I think you could stop but that doesn’t matter if you don’t want to.  You have to want to let go.  You have to be happy just having us in your life and let the little things go.  Don’t know that that would ever be possible.
I hope you are having a good morning.  We miss you but only the good things not the control, hurt and emotional abuse.  I’ll let you know when I drop off the van and pick up some more of my stuff.  I’d like to stop by… and pick up the play pen for Glenna.  Will probably just pop in and do that sometime in the next day or so.
Have a good day.

This is by far the hardest part of this post to write.  I have been going back through emails and trying to recollect why the heck did I give it a 2nd try? What was said, what was done that pulled me back into this abusive relationship again.  Why did I waste my time?

In the beginning of our time at the shelter I felt like I needed closure.  I thought that him and I could just be friends.  We’d both move on but just not together any longer.  I talked this out with my best friend of 28 years and she kept warning me that he was going to pull me back in.  She kept reminding me of things that he had done.  How he had treated not only me but also the girls.  Unfortunately my heart didn’t hear them, I was still in love with this man.

The advocate, a very wise woman, and I were having lengthy conversations.  I’ll share one here with you.  My email was in purple and her responses are in red:

XXXXXXX,

“Umm good point about XXX’s not talking about the girls.  I am going to keep a closer eye on that.  Yeah we are talking again.  Well kinda, we chatted online for nearly 4 hours last night.  I think that is not necessarily bad. There are a lot of things that need to be said that were impossible to say when you were so close.

 It hurts but he is being very open and hopefully honest.  I have confronted him on a lot of his shit, demanded explanations and been bluntly honest with him.  I am past caring if it hurts him.  I have just been letting him have it and feel much better.  He’s mentioned missing us (me AND the girls) but after reviewing the chat from last night I notice that I am the one that brings them up. Well, I suppose that it is natural that the girls are a higher priority for you than for him…they’ve been the focus of your life, and just a part of his life for a very short time. Also, he has very little parenting experience. But I guess it would be really important to me that he understand the effect his moods, attitudes and the general atmosphere of the home have on them and you! Kids need life to be secure and predictable. Kids with autism spectrum need that even more!

He’s in Anchorage until the 20th at least.  I don’t see us ever getting back together and I ended up flat-out telling him that he was a selfish conceited fxxxxx axxhole last night and that I was done talking for the evening.  But it wasn’t b/c of what he was saying last night it was b/c of his past behavior. 
I don’t know, there are a lot of emotions and a lot of healing that we both need to do.  I won’t go back to that bullshit.  He has a lot of excuses which could be bullshit or not I don’t know.  But I am glad that we are talking and that I am getting answers to my questions and that I am able to tell him exactly what I think of him.

He still wants to get back together, he’s made that quite clear.  And I’ve made it quite clear that I do not.  Is it wrong to want to keep talking to him, having him finally open up to me and tell me WTF was happening on his end and being able to confront him feels right. 
I don’t know.  I have to put me and my girls first and this seems to be helping me heal.  Am I letting him suck me back in?  Is just being aware that there is that potential enough to stop it?  Probably. You are not a puppet! Love is a choice, not a ditch you fall into occasionally. If you consider putting back together a life with him…you will put a lot of thought and planning into it!

What if he were to suggest counseling? and just not living together and trying again?  I think these are both good ideas, if want a life with XXX. Don’t make any decision quickly…take all the time you need to think through all the issues and test his willingness to wait for something. If it’s the right thing, it’s not going to disappear because you hesitated! The counselling could be really valuable no matter what you decide. I find the opportunity to really work through my thoughts with someone to be really useful in general. Is that wrong?  You’ve worked with lots of couples would it be possible for someone like him to change?  It’s possible for anyone to grow. It’s not possible for anyone to be perfect or to be everything to another person. A lot of time love is choosing to work with a person because you love many things about them and you can agree in your own mind to live with and work around the faults that they have. I don’t think so and have told him that many times but maybe I am wrong?  He hasn’t mentioned or offered counseling but I have to admit that I’ve thought about it.
Shit am I insane for talking to him???? You are NOT insane for talking to him. In fact, no choice you make about him would be insane. You are working out what to do with an investment you’ve made…called XXX! Whether you work with it, or walk away…it is never wrong to have loved another person. However, it might be costly to go forward. You have to decide if it’s worth what you are paying!?!? And if you see a good return on your investment as possible. Have I psyco-babbled enough? I don’t know if any of that is work a hill of beans.  Have a good night…XXXXXXX.

Thank goodness I had such a wonderful sounding board in her!!  She is an amazing Shelter Advocate and not only can she offer her sound objective opinions but also not be judgemental and just be there for when I needed her.

Many emails (360+) were exchanged between him and I, we chatted on a political forum that we both frequented.  I let him suck me back in, I agreed to try to reconcile but was smart enough to NOT move back in with him.  The girls and remained at the shelter.  I decided to comply a list of questions for him to answer, I was already hurting and didn’t want to be hurt again.

So XXXXXX dear….
I have been doing a lot of thinking about us or lack there of today and have a list of questions that I’d like you to answer.  Answer don’t answer that’s your choice but know that I have put a lot of thought into them and would really appreciate some honest answers!
I want YOUR opinion not what you think I want to hear, not some logical bullshit or excuses just honest heartfelt answers.  I think you will agree that I know you well enough to know the difference.
After you answer them then if you’d like I’ll answer them too.  But not before you do b/c I don’t want my answers to have any influence on yours. 
Please just be honest and answer with your heart.  Don’t hide from me, don’t shut down, don’t protect me, just answer honestly!
1.  Why invest any more time in our relationship. 
2.  What do we have to gain and how much will we pay in doing so?
3.  What further emotional cost would making such an investment accomplish?
4.  Do you really think things could change/improve?
5.  How?
6.  Tell me why I should risk not only my happiness and well being but also that of my childrens to be with you?
7.  Why should I believe and trust you again?
8.  What guarantee do I have that it won’t just go back to the way it was.
9.  Would you be open to continuing even if I refuse to live with you?
10.  Would you be willing to get counseling?
11.  I hate how you treat the girls, why or how would that change?
12.  Why should I believe anything you say?
13.  How do I know that it’s not just manipulation or a game just to get me back and then things will just be quid pro quo?
14.  If at any point I ask you to stop, or don’t want to continue will you respect my wishes?
15.  Why do you think I should submit myself to more emotional abuse and control again to be with you?
16.   The girls will always come first, can you handle that?  How will you accept that?
17.  What is it that YOU want from our relationship?
18.  Why should I let you be a father to my children?
19.  Describe what kind of parent/father you want to be and summarize how you think that should happen.
20.  Do you understand that ultimately my children and their well being and any parenting choices are mine! and mine alone.  I have final say.  Would you be willing to work with me to raise them in a healthy, loving, caring, NON controlling environment?

I won’t share his responses but let me say that he is also a writer and a blogger.  This man has a way with words and is an expert manipulator.  He not only managed to pull me back in but also had me doubting anything wrong had happened.  Thankfully I was going back into this relationship with my eyes wide open.  It was couple of months before things came to a head again.

Actually it was on Christmas Day 2010.  After a Christmas from Hell… I ended our relationship.  Christmas was not filled with cheer rather it was filled with sadness, selfishness, and control.  The day was spent trying to not burst into tears about what an awful day it was.  “Merry Christmas” was not uttered.  Gifts were not exchanged.  I gave presents to him and the girls but there were none given from him.  

We had celebrated Glenna's first birthday in Anchorage

On Christmas Day when I confronted him that evening after the girls had gone to bed he told me that it was wrong of me to expect any gifts because of all the money he had spent on our “vacation” to Anchorage the month before.  I said that that was fine for me but I didn’t agree with him not getting the girls anything, hell he could have atleast made a card or even SAID Merry Christmas.  That conversation disintegrated into him asking if he should point out everything that he had bought us.  More control, more power, more manipulation.

The next day I broke it off.  I sent him a txt message saying we were over and that I didn’t want to have any contact with him.  Yes! I broke up with him via txt message LOL but there was very good reason to do it that way.  Remember this man was an expert at manipulating things.  He could sweet talk his way into anything.  By keeping any communication with him via only txt message then I removed the emotion.  I could be more objective and more forceful.  I then ended up having to threaten to get a restraining order if he didn’t cease his attempts at contacting me.

We were through.  I was done, I had had enough.  

To be continued….

Advertisements

About annstrongheart

About me...hmmm where to start. I'm a proud single/widowed mom of two beautiful girls who currently works full time for the local Tribe. Life. Is. AWESOME!
This entry was posted in Domestic Violence, DV Shelter, family, LeeShore Center, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s