Then…later…now Part 4 addition

After I published that last post I thought to myself that I should’ve put in his answers to my questions.  They were an important part of my decision to give him and I a second chance.  Additionally they give further insight into the power and control and other forms of abuse that were going on.

So here they are:

Dear Ann

Below is a few answers to your questions.  I know I mentioned this
before that I need days to really gather up any thoughts and ideas
to present them in a clear and understandable form.  I did really
think about each before answering but still feel each answer need
to be explored in depth.

Loving and missing you,


1.  Why invest any more time in our relationship.

If I did not keep getting these little signels from you that you
want to continue then I would be walking away.   You have what I
need.   Not want but need.   relationships are a life time
investment.  They are not free.   They cost emotional collateral.
The time we spend working out differences and learning to accept
each other pays dividends down the road.  Do you want to live
without a man to hold your hand, make you laugh, keep you warm at
night?  I know I do not want to live without you. I have all the
time in the world but I do not want to spend it stairing at this

2.  What do we have to gain and how much will we pay in doing so?

when you say gain I imagine some form of emotional solvency for
the two of us.   We have both been broken in the past and I think
you know also that it will cost much to repair.  each time i ask
my self what I would have you pay i must also consider my share,
my contributions, my compromises.  I do not want to make a
shopping list but if you need a receipt just to keep track then so
be it; I am game.

3.  What further emotional cost would making such an investment

You know it is not free but at the same time it should not be as
painful as we let it become.   What are you willing to pay?  HAve
you offered too much already? I know more questions.  What am I
willing to pay?  I am not sure to be honest with you.   I do not
think eather of us should have to give up our self worth.  Neither
of us should have to grovel as it were for scraps.   I want more
then that and I know you deserve better.

4.  Do you really think things could change/improve?

I have asked my self this over and over.   I like to think of my
self as a mature man capable of rational objective self
evaluation; right now I am not so sure.  Anyway I have looked in
my mirror and told my self, yes, I could change, I need to change,
I must change.   You?

5.  How?

Well, simple question.  I think it would be helpful to have a
short list, one for you and one for me, of those qualities we need
to improve appon.  Easy enough to discuss but in practice, depends
on how much we want each other I suppose.  I keep wondering how
much the two of us are willing to sacrifice, compromise, and
accept.  What I really like about the the whole experience is its
potential to make us both better inside, you know heal those torn
parts that most likely caused all our pain and suffering.

6.  Tell me why I should risk not only my happiness and well being
but also that of my children’s to be with you?

There are risks involved no doubt any way you look at it.   It
really scared me when you where encouraging glenna to call me dad.
I knew it was a serous commitment and I feared for her should
our relashonship fail.  The same goes for Cecelia and, well, all
of us.   I guess I have to ask how happy were you before me, and
then now being alone with the girls.  I think I risk an equal
share.   I risk loosing not only you but Cecelia and Glenna as
well.  I could list all the generic reasons why you should risk
but I think you know what they are.

7.  Why should I believe and trust you again?

Believe?  That would imply that I had lied to you or intentionally
mislead you.   I am not by nature one to deceive.  If i say I am
going to do this our that I am.   This is really a tough question
to answer!  I know it is unfair but how about I just turn it
around and ask you what it would take to earn your trust … again.

8.  What guarantee do I have that it won’t just go back to the way
it was.
I could give it to you in writing, in blood, on my knees?   I
guess I have to answer that we can only try.  I really have no
answer for you.  I guess I just have to try.   The way it was…not

9.  Would you be open to continuing even if I refuse to live with
Much of what you are asking and afraid of I hope to solve with
this answer.   It has been something I was working on before this
list.  Mainly the flaw of being together too soon.  I knew it was
going to be a problem.  I recognized a handful of issues i had
hoped to resolve before you moved in in the fall.  This was
something i did not think you needed to deal with so shortly after
moving to naknek but in hindsight….What issues you are wondering?
Oh you know, differences in parenting, in communicating mostly.  I
think all our problems were the product of not learning to
communicate with each other.   Both of us were hurt in many ways
but we had no real outlet so there we were locked up inside trying
to survive with this deep love of each other but little else.  I
could spend a month or two trying to digest it all.  Mostly I am
afraid of scaring you away with suggestions that all appear to you
a method of control.   I am so afraid to ask but are you willing
to work on behaviors that have been distractive?

10.  Would you be willing to get counseling?
I had hoped to get some help while i am here in town.   Mostly to
do with the XXXXXXXXXX (a crisis that he had gone through that summer related to his work that I redacted to protect his identity) but other issues directly related to
my desire to share a life with you.

11.  I hate how you treat the girls, why or how would that
This is the scariest thing for me to confront mainly how i was
afraid I was taking out my emotional distress on cecelia and
Glenna.  After a while I just tried to stay away.   You had
mentioned how I stoped helping with the girls but in actuality I
was looking for a asolution and that was to just give them a lot
more space.  while it appeared I was withdrawing from them I was
protecting them.   This is what really hurt me, how you mentioned
Cecelia had plaited and I was at a loss for an explanation.  About
a week after we had discussed it it hit me, she plateaued when I
stepped back.

12.  Why should I believe anything you say?
I know that nothing I said was any form of mistruth.  I can only
guess that there were many variables that influence mostly for the
worse all we tried to do.   I am not some grand manipulator. I do
not play games. You only have to want to believe i think.

13.  How do I know that it’s not just manipulation or a game just
to get me back and then things will just be quid pro quo?
See above.

14.  If at any point I ask you to stop, or don’t want to continue
will you respect my wishes?
Why would I not?  I really have little choice in the matter.    I
know you asked me to and I even agreed to but you kept coming back
and I hoped there was some hope that you too believed in us.  I am
certain you go back and forth a few times a day.   I am sure there
are those telling you to walk away.   I wonder, is there anyone
rooting for me?  My self?  I am only afraid a little and only have
me heart to loose.   Mostly I am afraid of causing you any more

15.  Why do you think I should submit myself to more emotional
abuse and control again to be with you?
You are a sucker for punishment?  Ummm, this is a silly question.
I know I would not go back for more emotional abuse.  I do not
want to be yelled at and cussed at and threatened.  I think you
were trying to ask something differently

I can’t find the answers for questions 16-20 nor do I recall if they were ever answered.  hmmm


About annstrongheart

About me...hmmm where to start. I'm a proud single/widowed mom of two beautiful girls who currently works full time for the local Tribe. Life. Is. AWESOME!
This entry was posted in Domestic Violence, DV Shelter, family, LeeShore Center, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Then…later…now Part 4 addition

  1. FEDUP!!! says:

    Whew! I am glad you said what you did about him at the end of your last post – because, to be quite honest, he almost had ME convinced that he was a great guy. I read this part before I read part 4, and then read P4 to learn that he is an accomplished communicator and as such a perfect manipulator.
    Good for you to have made the break, and I hope you will not be going back.
    Your Christmas experience should always be a reminder if ever you have your doubts again!

    • annstrongheart says:

      Yes I thought it over, reread the post and decided that people needed to see his responses to get the full picture. I am certain there are many other women (ok probably some men too) that are in domestic violence relationships that have gone thru or are going thru similiar experiences, hearing the same things, and believing them. It’s unbelievable how well versed, smooth talking, and manipulating abusers are. They know just what to say, just what to do, and just what not to do to pull their partners back in or keep them.

      THAT is why I am blogging about all of this!!!

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