OK so where’d I leave off…awww yes so there I was in Naknek with two sick girls who decided to share the village crud with me. We were staying at one of the hotels there because the house we were moving into wasn’t going to be ready until the next month. You remember because I had given my notice and was planning to move out the next month not to be maliciously evicted and having to figure out what to do with two small children in a new area.
That was quite the impression you want to have with someone you are moving in with….first having two sick lil girls vomiting everywhere and then catching it yourself!! But we recovered slowly but surely and set about finishing the necessary things to move into our new home.
I admit that during this time I was still, understandably in a fog of grief from Segundo’s passing and it probably wasn’t the best time to be getting into a new relationship. Which now looking back brings further understanding to people saying to not make any major decisions for the first two years after a loved one, especially a spouse, has died. Then you add to the mix individuals who prey on the weak and use and abuse them and you end up with a disaster.
I went from being taken advantage of and controlled in Ugashik to what I thought at the time was going to be moving forward and healing. Sadly it was not. Had I had the information I posted about Signs to look for in an Abusive Relationship I would have recognized the warning signs much earlier but I didn’t so it took me a few months to realize that something was wrong.
Here I was feeling trapped and isolated again. In a new town where I didn’t really know anyone, my only acquaintances were friends of his. I didn’t have internet access unless I took both girls to the restaurant that had wireless or the library which was not an easy thing to do. If I went with him then I’d use his computer and couldn’t stay online long b/c he quickly grew impatient with the girls and with my time spent online.
Furthermore I was afraid, no ashamed to tell anyone what was truly going on in my life because I felt like I was supposed to be strong. I couldn’t show weakness, I couldn’t let others worry about us because we were supposed to be moving on and in a better place now. I hid my feelings of being trapped and isolated and utterly depressed under the guise of happiness and further isolated myself from family and friends afraid that they would know that something was wrong. Also since I had been ostracized from the former blog I lost contact with those individuals too. I wasn’t online and wasn’t able to stay in contact with anyone there either.
I only reached out for help with Cecelia. I had her evaluated by the Infant Learning Program and then the school district picked her up as a special needs/developmentally delayed child. She attended preschool and received special education services. I did massive amounts of reading trying to find an understanding about what was going on with her. Autism Spectrum kept being mentioned by her service providers so I read everything I could get my hands on about that. My then boyfriend wasn’t helping much because he was blaming me and my late husband for her condition. Saying that if we had done this different, or that different then she wouldn’t be like this. Which further fueled my already growing depression.
I walked on egg shells constantly trying to not upset him because we were of course staying in HIS house. I never felt like it was “OUR” home. I can see now when I look back at the entire situation how controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive this man was. As time passed the situation grew worse, I knew from my past experience with domestic violence that things were going to get worse. I could see his behavior escalating from the controlling and emotional abuse to physical abuse very easily. I had to step between him and Cecelia one time which should have been a huge red flag at the time but I made excuses and was more carefully watching her to ensure that things wouldn’t get out of control.
As things came to a head I contacted the S.A.F.E. Shelter in Dillingham who had been kind enough to let Cecelia and I stay when I was pregnant with Glenna before she was born. I spoke to advocates there and came to find out that there was a domestic violence shelter right there in the King Salmon/Naknek area! I talked to the advocate there many many many times. As you can see from reading my thank you poem to them, Thankfully S.A.F.E., she and the S.A.F.E. staff helped us immensely.
After hmm what was probably a month of talking to her and her being my sounding board for what I knew was domestic violence I finally realized that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t isolated and all I had to do was ask for help. So I did, I called her up and told her that I couldn’t live like that anymore and she brought us to the d.v. shelter in the King Salmon/Naknek area.
Well I think I will stop here now and continue on in part 3 and possibly even a part four until I reach the here and now. Stay tuned! 😉
There’s more to me than You! By Jessica Andrews I was listening to this song over and over while writing this post!